inside out

season's greetings

2006-12-26T12:42:00.000+02:00

Blogging is no longer one of my daily activities. I'm in the process of bolstering my emotional reserves and I almost feel that I don't have the capacity to put myself out there on the blogsphere right now. At the same time I miss the input I was receiving from the beautiful people I have met online.

I suspect I will return again once things ave settled down somewhat.

Until then, rama, scruff, steve, kirsten....

have a wonderful new year :)

Gaelin
xx

2006-12-04T20:42:00.000+02:00

For many people there is no chance of recovery from 'chronic' schizophrenia. Recovery is not offered to them as one of their options.

They are prescipted a lifetime of mood-stabalizing drugs, which generally suppress psychotic symtoms. This is enough for most professionals, and for the concerned families advocating medication. How much easier if the symptoms just went away! Who wants to waste time wondering about causes?

The people I work with are not in a recovery program. They are given medications which numb and exhaust them. I arrive in the morning and gather then all into the lounge, where everyone sleepily follows a simple yoga routine. I encourage them to breathe, but they find it difficult, R* says it makes her dizzy, and G* begins to feel panicky. G* takes two valiums a day to ward off his panic attacks. Nobody blinks an eye as day after day, year after year, he entrenches his drug habit.

The others think he's lucky to have a private doctor, and a family who will foot the bill for his expensive habits. Most of the residents are state patients, supplied with daily doses of antipsychotics by the government. They are beautiful people. Each of them have been through so much to arrive where they are at today, so much alienation and loss. They no longer have a place in our society, and what's worse, they have no prognosis of recovery!

I want to change my varsity major to psychology. 10 years from now I want to be a practising professional in this field. There is so much exciting work being done overseas at the moment, in terms of dealing successfully with schizophrenia. Dr. Al Siebert runs a website called successfulschizophrenia.org which offers many profound insights into the nature of schizophrenia, and the path through to the other side.

I am hoping that I will have the strength of heart to work with these people for the year that I have prescribed myself. It's heartbreaking yet also rewarding. I must honor them too, they have made the choice to stay alive and face the odds, and each one of then still has something unique to offer. I need to practise non-attachment in an environment that tweaks all my sore bits. It's tough. But it's good practice. If I want to do this professionally one day I need to be able to empathise without hurting.... don't I?

Anyway, I'll have lots of time to figure it out.

bang

2006-11-28T21:06:00.000+02:00

It's been two years now since my head popped. Nothing up until that moment had prepared me for it.

I was sitting, staring at a wall. It was late afternoon, and it was near the end of our meditation session at the local zendo. 10 minutes chanting, 20 minutes sitting, 5 minutes walking, another 20 minutes sitting and then...

my mind had been in turmoil during the time I had been there. I breathed deeply, counting each breath to remain focused while the flow of thoughts swirled. Eventually I reached a point where I was no longer aware of my body, having plugged into that wonderful zen space where outside conditions begin to lack their validity. The inside of my head felt huge, the thoughts taking up all the space, and stretching the limits. It almost felt like my head was a balloon expanding under the pressure.

I kept breathing, breathing, riding with the feeling, allowing the thoughts to stretch wider and wider until...POP! The boundaries of my mental space winked out of existance. All of a sudden there was absolutely no distinction between outside and inside, it was all one seemless whole. Tears started pouring down my cheeks as I sat keeping my breath steady, literally blown away by the awesome nature of reality. There was no 'me' and there was no other. It was all suchness and it was experiential suchness, not some conceptual construct.

Since then that mental space has never quite abated. Even in the thrall of a heated argument there is a part of me which experiences the suchness and observes without attachment. This has been a great blessing in attaining emotional equilibrium, yet it also complicated things somewhat. Up until that moment I had been a Christian practising Zazen. After my head popped there was no one left to pray to! There was no outside presence to appeal to for help! And no inside 'me' to do the appealing!

I came to realized with a great deal of shock to the system that I was essentially responsable for my being. The implications were vast.

x

brain

2006-11-26T11:44:00.000+02:00

This is a canvas I am working on. It's proved rather tricky to portray what I originaly set out to, that is, the many dimensions within which the mind functions. There aren't enough colors in the visual field! So I've settled on a rather intellectual interpretation of the theme.

There's so much more I'd like to put in, but at this point I wouldn't know how!

Yet I am happy with how it's turned out. It is a thought provoking piece, for anyone interested in the mind sciences.

And on that note I recommend an excellent lecture by Dr Alan Wallace , entiltled "Towards the first revolution in the mind sciences." He is a Buddhist monk who is 'seeking ways to integrate Buddhist contemplative practices and Western science to advance the study of the mind'.

Its a talk well worth watching.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=983112177262602885

x

2006-11-17T16:10:00.000+02:00

They wear their past lives
like badges
keys to their culture
displayed with sleepy smiles
for visitors to coo over

-

that I would be good

2006-11-12T10:54:00.000+02:00

I'm playing a song by Alanis Morissete as I write.

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

It makes me want to cry. I feel so much pressure from my own self expectations. Some where deep down I feel that there's something wrong with me. Somewhere deep down I am ashamed.

I've always had a sense of being different. My mom was gay at a time when it was the ultimate taboo. I grew up believing that my family would never find a place in society. I've also always worried about being flakey. Too many times people have looked at me skew and ignored my input. 'What a strange child!' they would say to eachother. And I would hear them. The things that I am passionate about are right on the peripheries of most people's conscious awareness. If I hadn't learnt all about being diplomatic I would surely offend people all over the place.

But in the end it's not about what eveyone else thinks of me. In the end I am the one telling myself that something is wrong. I feel the divine so strongly and yet I can't bring myself to embrace myself as divine too. I feel stuck in a strange no mans land. I am not driven by the passions of the world, yet I am here and I am functioning.

Why am I ashamed of who I am becoming? Why have I always felt like I need to apologise? When I was a kid and I had problems mixing with people my own age, my mom took me aside and told me that I have an IQ that tops the charts. She explained what 'genius' is, but she never said that it meant I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. The message that I got was that being a genius was as much a social stigma as being the child of a gay mother. Another thing to be ashamed of.

And even now as an adult, instead of being proud of my conceptual abilities, I find myself playing them down so that I don't stick out too much.

I am in a process of defining myself once again. I seem to go through this every few years. It's hard and it hurts. But at least I am aware. If I am aware I can observe. If I observe I can learn, if I learn I can understand. And if I understand I can let go....i think....

yay

2006-11-05T18:46:00.000+02:00

Yay and blessings - I got the job :)! I started last Monday and I've been pretty busy adjusting. I'm really enjoying myself.

I will begin posting again once things settle down a bit...

till then
love to you all

my interview

2006-10-19T08:36:00.000+02:00

I interviewed for a really amazing job today.

The position is as a facilitator for the adults in permanent residence at H*H*. The house was established as a home for adults with schizophrenia. There are seven people there, men and women, ranging from young to old. My job would be to run a daily program with them, covering different activities like arts,crafts, music and yoga. The program runs from 9 till 1, when we all have lunch and then I go home, just in time to pick up my kids from school.

When I saw the ad online my heart jumped. My little sister was diagnosed with borderline schitzophrenia when she was 17. None of us knew what the hell it meant, she ended up becoming more and more isolated. Two weeks after her 21st birthday she took her life.

Its been nearly five years since her death, and I've spent that time educating myself about the alleged disease.

Firstly, it has nothing whatsoever to do with multiple personality disorder. Equating the two is a very common mistake, but any educated person knows that schizophrenia is altogether something different.

Secondly, nobody knows quite what schizophrenia is.

A recent article on BBC News discussed the current trend towards scrapping the term completely. It is an ambiguous name given to a wide range of symptoms, and no one can point to a cause.

No one except Jung that is. But he's not taken seriously because he acknowledged spirit and that is taboo in the scientific community. Jung was an enlightened man. He studied Eastern philosopy, and he told the story of schizophrenia from a unique perspective.

He described a process called individuation. He believed that consciousness evolved, and that reaching individuation was the next step on the road. Part of the process of individuation involves integrating the contents of your subconscious mind into your conscious awareness. Some people make this transition smoothly, but other people, taken by surprise by the sudden lack of mental boundaries, become afraid and thus become victims of their subconscious mind. Somehow they get stuck, they loose touch with what is in their head and what is 'real'.

Most people at this point get admitted to a mental hospital, where the awful cycle of medication begins. The meds are symptomatic. They render the patient docile, no more trouble for the care takers. The medication they gave my sister had terrible side effects, as do many psychiatric drugs. She was an avid reader, but the pills destroyed her ability to focus, after two sentances she would put down a book with a sigh, and light another ciggarette. After a while she just stopped going to the library.

The meds also limited her range of emotional responses, no anguish or despair. And no joy or passion.

Often she would refuse to be medicated. At these times her subconscious mind, held back like a dam about to burst, would flood her head with a terrifying whirl of bizzare information.

She could feel everyone and everything, she was convinced that we could read her thoughts, that she could influence people far away. These feelings were prompted by the sudden onset of a state almost similar to the first stages of enlightenment. A state where you can feel how connected everything is, and it all makes a stange kind of sense.

But she had no context within which to process it. She had been brought up in a Christian family, who worried that she may be possessed by some strange devil. She became terrified of her own mind. And there was no one to help her. What made it even worse is that she had been using psychodelic drugs all through her early teens. In my opinion this was one of the main reasons why she was unable to make the transition smoothly.

Schizophrenics become very spiritual when going though a psychotic episode. They almost always think they're God. They feel that the universe is talking to them. Everything has a deeper meaning, everything is imbued with significance.

I experienced these same states while going through a period of transition in my teens. I was able to integrate the experiences. Whether it would have been called a psychotic break I don't know. I was never taken to hospital. I knew when to keep quiet. 25% of people who experience sudden onset schitzophrenia recover completely. The rest are not so lucky.

Due to the successful transitions, I now have psychic and empathic abilities way beyond the average person. I am also deeply connected to spirit, unable to ignore the call of the sacred. I can see and work with dynamic energy fields, I am able to make use of glossalalia when I am deeply in prayer. And when I finally ran into Zen Buddhism all the foundations had been laid for almost immediate kensho.

The term 'spiritual emergence' has sprung up in the more avante garde sector of psychodynamic theory. The idea is that many cases of schizophrenia are in fact cases of spiritual crisis, which if thoroughly resolved can leave the 'patient' profoundly more in touch with life and spirit.

Unfortunately, as is usually the case on this tragic and beautiful planet, we humans choose to address the symptoms and not the cause. People are put onto severe, lifelong medication, written off completely, never given the chance to discover who they might be once the terror of the transition has worn off. There's no one to tell them its ok.

If I get this job I may have the opportunity to make life a little easier for a handful of people. I will have the chance to learn so much about this awfully misconcieved 'disease'. It may also prove to be emotionally exhausting. My ability to empathise with these people leaves me close to tears. So if I don't get the job then maybe it would be better. Maybe I should spend the next ten years working up to a position like this....I don't know. At the moment it's up to the Tao.

2006-10-16T18:11:00.000+02:00

This is a short video of a song that I wrote a few years ago. I'm experimenting with putting my music into more of a multi-media friendly framework. This was done rather spontaneously, and the sound quality is pretty bad, but it gives you an idea of my music and my style....

hypnotising you

Lyrics:

I'm hypnotising you,

pulling the wool over your eyes in a fancy way.

But don't let this bother you at all my dears

I'm holding both your hands

I'm here to guide you in my ways.

And my ways are all your suffering minds have ever seen.

And the excuses you're making don't you know that you've been making them for me.

I've been gathering hearts in a room that has no windows and no doors.

I talked you all into leaving them here 'till you forget which one is yours.

And disillusioned souls who take a stand to challenge me.

Well they're effectively ejected from consensus reality.

xxx

2006-10-12T06:50:00.000+02:00

a red line connects us

astronomy...

2006-10-09T09:37:00.000+02:00

An artists impression of the supermassive black hole at the center of our galaxy

I'm writing my Astronomy exam tomorrow. I've really enjoyed this course. It's been a wonderful introduction to the subject.

Did you know that our galaxy (the Milky Way) is home to a supermassive black hole at it's center? Our galaxy is shaped like a spiral that spins around a central nucleus. Scientists have measured the orbital rate of stars close to the center,and they exceed the speed at which such large bodies should be traveling. This excessive speed is attributed to the huge gravitational pull of the black hole in the center.

I think this has huge philosophical implications. But I won't go there just yet...

Another amazing fact that I've gleaned from this course is that stars are the forges in which matter is created. Nuclear fusion in the center of stars is responsably for the creation of all the elements. Gold and silver are heavier elements, and can only fuse at very high temperatures, they are products of supernovas (the explosive deaths of very large stars) which are rather rare, and this explains why some elements aremore rare than others.

Absolutely fascinating...
See the links below for more indepth information :)

wikipedia - supermassive black holes

Nasa - supermassive black holes

faeries in the garden...

2006-09-28T18:49:00.000+02:00

My friend and neighbour hosted her daughter's 5th birthday party over the weekend. As a tribute to the little princess, she dressed in her daughter's favourite style - as a faerie.

I took this shot as she stood chatting with another mom. The cactus lined up perfectly beneath her, and then I went to work in photoshop...

the holy cactus has a guardian angel :)

Human energy fundamentals #1

2006-09-22T13:40:00.000+02:00

There is no such thing as 'bad' energy.

We perceive reality mainly through our sense organs. Things around us transmit/reflect waves of energy, which we translate into sight and sound. Our sight depends on our interpretation of visual wavelengths entering our eyes. Our hearing depends on our ability to receive and interpret sound waves through our ears. Our sense organs send the input to our brains, which then processes the data and gives continuous feedback to the cognitive functions.

When we speak of working with the human energy field, we are referring to a range of vibrations that are not usually sensed with the sense organs. Generally these vibrations are interpreted emotionally. They can also be experienced as physical sensations in the body, depending on how much attention one is focusing on the input.

We are equipped to deal with a wide range of inputs within this range of frequencies. Some vibes make us comfortable, others make us uncomfortable. Most of us classify the comfortable vibes as 'good' and the uncomfortable ones as 'bad'. This judgement is based on how the incoming vibration makes us feel, which in turn is based on our capacity to process these vibrations.

There is no such thing as 'bad' energy. It is our reaction to the energy that determines how we classify it, and therefore we have created the distinction. Often times this works in our favor. A vibe that makes us uncomfortable may just be the fore-runner of an action that harms us. This mental classification has evolved along with our other survival mechanisms.

The danger with this classification comes when we begin working with the deeper levels of the human energy dynamic. We all experience suffering. We all have a range of emotions that make us feel bad. And this invariably stimulates the survival 'fight-or-flight' response. Often we experience an uncomfortable emotion and we instantly run from it or fight it off. In doing so we have failed to process our experience. This unprocessed experience sits as a 'block' in the personal energy dynamic. It hampers flow and therefore hampers spiritual growth.

When working with the human energy dynamic, the facilitator has to be aware that the distinction between 'good' and 'bad' energy is a function of the physical survival programming within the brain, and as such has no concrete reality outside of our perception of it. By understanding this one is free to work with a range of vibrations, and therefore more able to facilitate change.

portrait

2006-09-13T17:54:00.000+02:00

This is part of a portrait that I'm busy working on. I'm trying out a new process, using the energy lines to create the feeling for the piece. I've done this in drawing for many years, but its another thing all together when paint is involved!

It's a portrait of a family friend. I'm hoping this painting will honor her, and allow her to acknowledge her deeper strengths. She's an investment banker, she flies round the world every other day, signing multi-million dollar contracts, shopping in the most expensive boutiques. She's confident and successful and completely on top of her game in the male dominated world of South African banking.

But she worries sometimes about not having a family to come home to, she works to hard to build up any deep or intimate relationships. So she is sad, and a little afraid, and she lives and loves hard to steady herself.

This painting is for a beautiful, strong, radiant woman. Brave, intelligent and headstrong.

I honor the contribution she makes by being alive.
I want her to experience herself as so much more than the sum of her hopes and fears.

spider mind

2006-09-09T10:15:00.000+02:00

I used to be an arachnophobe. Spiders scared the hell out of me. All those legs, so foreign, so other. Then, a couple of years ago, while exploring the entheogen known as mescaline, I had a very interesting experience.

Ant and I were in our room, we had spent the day boiling copious amounts of San Pedro cactus in a large pot, and straining out all the lumpy bits, until all we had left was a thick, greenish brown, extremely foul tasting liquid. (I can quite honestly say that I have no intention of doing mescaline again as direct result of how absolutely awful it tastes...)

Anyway, we managed to drink the required cupful, and we were lounging in the main bedroom, safe space extraodonaire, enjoying the subtle feelings of mescalito as it began to course through our systems. We jammed a bit on the guitars, making music that sounded like heaven, the harmonies and riffs filling the air as naturally as our breath filled our lungs. The trip was very peaceful, and rather uneventful, until the point that Ant discovered a perfectly formed spider skin lying on our bed. It was the skin of the African Rain Spider, a large, non poisonous variety that moves indoors when the weather is wet. We had never seen such a perfectly shed exoskeleton before. The spider had managed to shed it in one go, and had done it almost as a gift, leaving it lying at the end of our bed. Rather unusual, considering that it must have happened during the course of the evening, while we came on to the trip.

It gave me the willies, but I was on the far side of the bed, and I felt the distance provided a sufficient buffer. But then Ant picked it up. He didn't know about my (rather silly) arachnophobia. He picked it up in order for me to get a better look, and I shrieked as the distance between me and the spider relic was all of a sudden reduced to a mere couple of centimetres. As he bought it into my personal space, I yelled even louder. But before I had the chance to get away, an extraodinary thing happened. I felt millions of little spiders, running up my legs, then up my torso, and down my arms. As they reached my hands, I had the strangest sensation of actually being a spider. Each hand was a spider. Each finger was a leg, and my hands curled as I merged completely. It felt like the soul of spider, the great archtype, the weaver, was inside me, and I was part of it. Patient spider, waiting quietly in the corner as the hours pass. Scuttling spider, weaver of webs and maker of silky strands. Spider as functioning consciousness.

Within seconds the whole experience was over. I was myself again. But I was no longer afraid. Spider was no longer other. Spider was now part of my intimate experience of being alive on this planet. Spider mind was one that I had managed to briefly touch, spider consciousness had been my consciouness for a fleeting moment.

I was in awe. I was wholy shaken. And I have never looked at spiders the same again. Since then I have done some research into the archtype of the weaver. In many African cultures spider is one of the gods, Ananzi, the mischevious weaver of illusions. Spider mind is a mind that can run 8 streams at the same time. Eight legs moving with conscious direction to forward spiders intentions. I have learned a lot from my brief period of oneness with spider mind. And it no longer scares me.

(The picture that I drew a few days later is the closest I can get to decribing the actual experience. Words fail terribly when discussing altered states of consciousness...)

NADA

2006-09-06T11:28:00.000+02:00

This marking is threefold.

1. Not A Drug Addict

2. Spanish: meaning 'nothing'

3. Sanskrit: meaning 'universal source of sacred sound'

I have been using a plant as the basis for my spirituality since I left the church 10 years ago. I am tired of relying on an external source for my peace of mind. I am tired of being tired. I Am Not A Drug Addict.

Whenever my mind prompts me to roll a 'quick fix spliff' I am reminded by my marking that I have CHOSEN NOT TO. And every day I will chose not to, until I can use the herb as a sacred medicine guide. It is way to special to use without impeccable intent...

(just for your peace of mind, I practice scarification as a means of body decoration and as a way to mark sacred rites of passage. I only cut the top layer of the skin, leaving a scar that will fade - completely - within 6weeks to 3 months. At one stage of my life I used cutting as a means of pain relief (ironic, yes) but I have much better ways of dealing with my problems now. These days I am fully conscious when making a new marking, I act out of deliberate desire to affect positive change, rather than a compulsive pain-seeking self destructiveness...)

F*cking hippies!

2006-09-04T08:27:00.000+02:00

I've spent the weekend, and the week before that, (and the month before that...) working on pulling together a Gathering. A Gathering of the hippie underground, the Rainbow Warriors. The idea originated in America in the 60's (what didn't?) and since then the annual American Rainbow Gathering has grown in numbers to the point that there are tens of thousands of people involved. Here in South Africa there were 5 of us committed to making it happen. Each with their own agenda. Five people, trying to find their way to some kind of consensus regarding community and neccessary action...

The initial Rainbow vision was created as a reaction against the blatant hedonism going down in hippy America. A few outstanding people decided against drugs, chose family and community instead, and so it grew. In South Africa if you mention a Gathering of the tribes, where marijuana is expressly discouraged, and kids are welcomed, you get a whole lot of blank stares. And nasty comments...

I guess the S.A. scene is just not ready for any cohesive action.

Turned out to be a great party. About a hundred people at the height of it (once the electronic music began) and lots of kiddies everywhere. But I didn't work my ass of to create a safe space for people to get stoned in. You can lead a horse to the water, but ya can't make him drink!

So, after weeks of effort and careful planning, I ended up spending the weekend at home, and popping in occasionally to check that things were running smoothly. Today I must go back again to help with all the packing away, picking up all the litter that the stoned hippies left lying in the sacred ground of an enchanted forest....

What I have learnt from all this is that community starts with two people, and then maybe grows to three, over the years perhaps a fourth person joins... and so on. There is no instant community fix. And even if we all smoke the herb together it don't make us family.

energy workings

2006-08-24T10:57:00.000+02:00

This is a picture I drew of my back injury...it pretty much says it all. Most of the energy dynamics don't have words that correspond very well, so I'll just leave it at that :)

laid low

2006-08-20T11:46:00.000+02:00

I was doing yoga on Wednesday morning, a private lesson with a qualified instructor, and at the end of the session my back hurt a little. I figured it was general muscle fatigue. Didn't think much of it, carried on with my daily chores - went shopping, dropped off the recycling, picked up the kids, came home, sat down and WHAM - my entire back went into a hideous spasm. So bad that I couldn't even move. With the help of my daughter (wide and worried little 8 yr old eyes) I crawled to my bed, which is a futon on the floor so luckily there was no extra trauma involved in getting horizontal again.

And there I lay, in great pain, hoping that the spasm that was my back would relax already. It didn't. In fact it got worse. The muscle spasm started traveling up my spine and into my arms and legs. At that point I got really scared. My hands were spasming into these grotesque clawa, and I began to feel the circulation in my fingers cutting off. I got my daughter to phone my hubby at work, but it's over an hours drive away, so there was no immediate help there. And then I began to pray. I cried and I prayed and through sheer force of will I began manipulating my hands until they no longer were in spasm. I asked my daughter to sit and hold my feet, while I spoke some affirmations out loud - "I AM CAPABLE", "I AM ABLE", "I AM STRONG". SHe was a little freaked by the whole thing, but she stayed with me and that meant the world to me.

Once the initial spasm had passed, my back burned and ached like hell, but unless I moved I was spasm free. At that point I was seriously worried about structural damage, and the possability of potential paralysis. It was so sore that even the worst outcomes seemed possible.

My husband got home soon after that, and by then I was feeling a lot calmer. He wanted to take me straight to the hospital, but we are not on medical aid, and it's not like I could get up and walk to the car or anything, so I convinced him to pump me full of painkillers and wait till the morning.

He fell asleep quite quickly (he works hard, commutes insane distances, and sleeps like a log when he has the chance.) but there was no way I could sleep while in so much pain, and the aspirins hadn't made any difference. What I found strange was that I had to consciously focus on relaxing and breathing, and if I didn't I would begin to spasm again. All those 'what if' worst scenario thoughts played havoc with my back. At about 2 in the morning I cuoldn't stand it anymored. I phoned the hospital, told them I had no medical aid, and asked them what they thought would be best. They gave me the number of an emergency ambulance service, run by a non-profit organization. Thank the gods. The ambulance arrived just after 4am, two big men strapped me to one of those back injury boards, and I was driven off with much flashing lights and fanfare.

At the hospital I was taken into the casualty wing and left on a stretcher in the corridor. The nurse told me that the x-ray room only opened at 8am (it was 6:30) and told me i would just have to be patient. They also gave me a voltarin injection, which unfortunatly made no difference whatsoever.

I overheard the nurse giving a run down of the casualty patients to the doctor who arrived shortly after. It went something like this "That guy has multiple stab wounds, that woman drank parafin and needs her stomach pumped, and this girl did yoga..." Would have been funny if I had been able to laugh.

To cut a very long story short, they eventually did x-rays and there is no sructural bone damage. They pumped me FULL of valium and antispasmodics, sent me home, and instructed me to lie flat on my back until my muscles heal, which may take up to three weeks!!

This is a huge lesson in patience for me. I'm Miss Capable for goodness sake. And now I cant even go pee without someone to help me get there.

Ah well, all those very improtant emotional issues that I've managed to skirt around now have all the time in the world to come into the open. So in that way it's a good thing. I guess...

Another interesting observation is the form that my prayers took while I was lying in bed, terrified. It occured to me to ask God to spare me. Then I realized that in all honesty there's no way in the world that I can fathom the will of the Creator. What if Gods will was for me to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life? What if my destiny is in my own hands, not the hands of the great pumpkin in the sky? Surely ego-centric prayers are just that - ego centric. So this was my prayer, and I repeated it until my body started to relax and the smasms eased off -SPIRIT GUIDE ME.

What else is there to say?

I do believe in Spirit (Christains call it the Holy Gohst, Kabballists call it Sophia /wisdom, pagans call it the goddess and her minions. I don't think Buddhists call it anything, but I may be wrong.)

But what I do know is that the same life that gives me sentience, also gives you sentience. That same life inspires the atoms to knit together into elements, empowers life to spring forth out of the void. And this I attribute to the ultimate enigma and most intimate companion. Spirit.

Blessed be (In Darkness, in Light, and Beyond)

Judge a moth by the beauty of its candle

2006-08-07T15:33:00.000+02:00

The header is a quote from Rumi, an incredible man who lived in 1200 (13th century?). He was a Sufi poet and visionary, and he's as close to zen mind as it gets...

When the moth is consumed by the candle and they merge completely, then zen mind is achieved. But till then it circles (as we all do). Any place from which words come is a place of circling...

Another beautiful quote from Rumi

This we have now
is not imagination.

This is not
grief or joy.

Not a judging state
or an elation,
or a sadness.

Those come
and go.

This is the presense
that doesn't.

translated from the original (Persian?) by Coleman Barks

home sweet home

2006-08-03T08:25:00.000+02:00

Following on from Justin's example, I've decided to post pictures of the area where I live. I love the idea of catching a glimpse of the real life that fuels the blogsphere...
Hope you'll post yours soon too :)

Our village as seen from the beach ;)

Our house from the outside (yeah, you can't see much...that's my old Ford Meteor parked outside...)

View from our front door...

Our back door opens onto a balcony (we call it 'the deck' :)

And just down the road we have the beautiful Scarborough beach...

One of our regular baboon visitors. He was kicked out of the local troup, and now roams the neighbourhood, ransacking dustbins. Quite alright as long as he doessn't get into the house (which he does, regularly) Sometimes a whole posse of them come down from the mountain and sit on our roof, they like to forage in our fruit trees, and steal from our kitchens...

rama's poem

2006-08-02T07:13:00.000+02:00

written 1996

Through your appearance friend, I learnt to recognise myself,
Your inward is in my outward, I am the inward in your outward.
If I am ever right, that is only because of you
And mine the evil that poisons you.
You are only a figment of my imagination,
While I know myself only through your blessing.
My place is at your feet, by your side, and in your embrace
May you be the body through which I realise myself.
Through failure and betrayal, I struggle to uphold your love and compassion,
Disconsolate shame my constant reward.
The world is my mirror, I look and see myself;
May I be able to be yours, and help you to see yourself.
In gratitude for your kindness, through which I am,
May I be able to help you know who you are.

This poem was taken with permission from Rama's blog. He writes from Calcutta, India, sharing his thoughts and observations with the true spirit of the Tamil.

This poem speaks to me of the great truth that we all know but few realize. 'I am in you, just as you are in me.'

Namaste

!

2006-07-21T20:43:00.000+02:00

spirit path

2006-07-03T12:59:00.000+02:00

I started these canvasses by giving them a light black wash, and then leaving them to dry on my study floor. Minutes later my son walked past and inadvertently stood on one. I quite liked the result so I had him stand on the other one too :)
Not what I had in mind when I started out, but I'm pleased anyway...

The mountain range in the background is Table Mountain, which blesses Cape Town in postcards all over the world.
The red and blue paths signify the spirit walk and the earth walk.
I've grown up in Cape Town, and in this painting I'm paying tribute to the Mother City and her role in my spiritual development.

confused control

2006-06-23T17:03:00.001+02:00

A flutter
a weak hand beckoning
casting around for
everything
damaged and demanding
in its inability to
articulate

A closed mouth,
lips tight against strained teeth
bared only in conflict and combat
but now silent

remorseful

decadance is a deep undertow
rythms softer than our ears
sighs softer that our hearts
pull us along

animal nature is the creeping anger
the crouching words ready to spring
the glove fist paw raised

But silence now and silence is a breath
in the wind
a balm on my burnt
fingertips
a safety.

Silence is my house of cards in the blue blue sky.

conflict continued

2006-06-14T12:20:00.000+02:00

More images of the series...

I think that's it now. I have three statuettes altogether, two still in progress, all portraying scenes of domestic conflict.

I went on a meditation retreat recently, and one of the issues that became very clear to me was that I haven't forgiven my ex (the father of my kids) for his violent streak. As long as I'm holding on to anger at him, I'm still giving him some of my power. The anger is so big and so scary, it feels like it will crack me in half. But slowly I'm accessing it and letting it go. Freeing my energy for other things.

The clay work has allowed me to really look at the feelings involved in physical conflict. By shaping the bodies I'm exploring a moment frozen in time. The man stands tense and resolute, fixed in the act of physical domination. The woman writhes, pulls, desperate to escape but at the same time inexplorably bound. Each line of their bodies, each curve of their muscles, reveals to me the moment at which this anger of mine was kindled.

Art as therapy. You gotta love it.

2006-06-07T18:16:00.000+02:00

This is a scuplture I'm working on, photographed from a few different angles. I'm doing a series on 'conflict'. It will hopefully be the first of many.

Zaadz

2006-05-27T14:16:00.000+02:00

I came across a lovely new online community initiative, called Zaadz. Nice to see people doing something pro-active for the cause!

I must admit that I am well steeped in cynicism, after having gone out to change the world and fallen flat on my face. But, that great disillusionment led to my discovery of zazen, so it's all good.

There's a new meme that I'm happy to propagate. The idea is to open your favourite spiritual book of the moment, turn to page 35 and post something inspiring.

Here goes, I've just finished reading "The Path of Practice: a woman's book of Ayervedic healing" by Bri. Maya Tiwari.

On page 35 she's speaking about 'maya' - her namesake

"Often mistranslated as 'illusion,' the Sanskrit word 'maya' also means the manifestation of the one God as the multiplicity of forms in the material universe, the ignorance that draws a veil over the face of the One Reality so that all we see is diversity, and the wisdom that ultimately leads us to pierce the veil and see the One beneath the many."

God is dreaming and the dream is beautiful...;)

Zen and emotion

2006-05-22T10:00:00.000+02:00

It seems that many people, when faced with the dharma, and the dissolution of the conditioned world, lose touch with the emotional side of practice.

Emotion is maya, illusion, conditioning. But then so is your hand, when it comes down to it, and yet you pay attention to your hands all day. What I'm trying to say is that although zazen allows one to see through the illusion, it is still usefull and often neccessary to have other ways of working with the world. Practises that are founded in the dharma, but that don't cut as deep as zen. Then surface level work can be done.

Why bother with surface level work when you could just dissolve the entire structure? Well, one reason is that it's fun. I like to work (consciously) with maya. Brahman is dreaming, and the dream is beautiful. Also there are times (like on my last retreat) when I make a decision not to zen my way through, but rather to backtrack and sort out the pieces slowly.

Disillusionment is great. The clearing away of the illusion allows clarity of mind and clear sight, focused intention. And zazen as a practice is the most direct way to disillusionment and self-realization. But, while walking the path of self-realization, there is much to explore! This is why I study psychology, philosophy, anthropology, theology etc. This is why I follow in the footsteps of the shamans through the ages who have been mapping the paths of the subconscious mind. The sights and sounds of the astral realm may be illusions, but they are illusions which tell us more about ourself and our journey. Couple that with a deep grounding in dharma, and a strong zen practice, and you have a rather special recipe for success and personal happiness.

Rainer Maria Rilke

2006-05-19T15:07:00.000+02:00

My life is not this vertical hour
in which you find me in such haste
I am a tree in front of my own background
I am only but one of my many mouths
and the one which is the first to close
I am the silence between two sounds
that only with difficulty grow used to one another
for the tone of death also wishes to be heard
but in the darkness of the interval
they make peace with one another, trembling
and the song remains beautiful

Rainer Maria Rilke

A few weeks ago, on my webfriends blog, I discovered a poet by the name of 'Rainer Maria Rilke'. He wrote in Germany at the end of the 19th century, and his work has been translated into English for the rest of us. It's awesome stuff, really moving, cutting, honest work. This guy was zen all over.

His work inspired me to music, so I composed a piece around a one of his most moving verses. If you can play mp3's on your computer then you can listen to it by clicking here: rainer.mp3

Another home recording, I'm using a better microphone these days, but its still pretty rough. Hope you'all enjoy :)

kids!!#@*

2006-05-19T09:52:00.000+02:00

AAargh! Had a huge blow up with my daughter this morning, before school. Whenever we knock heads she becomes a rock and I become a hammer. Not pretty. And then my husband got involved, even worse, a whole house of angry people before 8am in the morning! Poor Alex (my son, age 5) he just kept very quiet, eyes wide...

My daughter has a bit of a wee-wee problem, she's 8, so she should have grown out of it by now, but I suspect it mat be beyond her control (weak bladder muscles?) anyway, her school clothes were smelling like wee, and I told her to change. That's when the sh*t hit the fan. She has a very strong will (gee, I wonder where she gets that from) and she decided that she couldn't smell the urine, so I must be making it up.

Well, to cut a long story short, Ant ended up taking my son to school while I stayed home with Micaela who by now was in absolute hysterics. I was almost in tears myself, what to do with a child who just catagorically will not listen to reason? I had a choice between thrashing her (which would have made things worse, believe me) or bailing out and phoning my mom. Thank God for Grans! If I was a hammer to Micaela's rock, my mom was warm water, and my little girl melted, calmed down immediately. She then changed into clean clothes and could eventually be driven to school.

Of course I'm left feeling absolutely shattered. Isn't it awful how as a parent you end up taking full emotional responsability for almost everything?

One thing I do know is that when Micaela starts to harden and get obstinate its completely useless to use anger or force to try and change her will.

So I must look at my base reactions, and try remind myself in time not not lose it. Parenting is sooo difficult sometimes.

2006-05-17T09:18:00.000+02:00

From what I can gather Theravedan Buddhism predates Zen Buddhism. In fact the zen patriarchs were men who rebelled against the Theravedan traditions. Theravedans elavate the teacher, putting him on a dias above the students. The original zen masters refused the dias, sat on the floor with everyone else, and basically thumbed their noses at any form of "precious tradition" which had grown up within Buddhism.

I am way more comfortable within the zen school. Flagrant disregard of the norms. Although even the Zen schools are open to being dogmatised by people who need dogmas. I guess there will always be those who need others to direct them. I can't think of anything worse! That's why I stopped practicing Christainity, you have to leave everything up to Jesus! I'm almost sure that is not what he intended while he was teaching. He was teaching empowerment, but I guess due to the Jewish conditioning there is still the overtone of evil human/omnipotent God - and never the twain shall meet.

But that's a whole other story, and I definately don't want to get into any apologist debates, so I'll leave it right there.

Just want to say that flagrant disregard for the norms does not equal lack of respect for discipline. Any serious practice needs discipline, thrives on it. In fact when you are disregarding the norm, discipline is even more essential to practice, because you become fully responsible for your own progress.

My husband's Buddhist name is 'Fa Chao' which means 'trancending the Darmha'. I think that about sums it up.

Thank God for Zen ;)

after vipassana

2006-05-16T09:39:00.000+02:00

The vipassana meditation technique: a ten day course

The first day is begun in noble silence; no speech, no eye contact, no touching. I arrive at the course the day before, for registration. We are assigned to small, shared cabins situated within walking distance from a meditation hall where we gather to practice for hours each day. The initial practice is to sit in a comfortable position (usually on a pillow with crossed legs) and close your eyes. Breathe through the nose and be aware of each breath. Be aware of the breath coming in and going out, note which nostril it passes through; left, right, or both simultaneously. When the mind wonders, gently bring it back to the concentrated awareness of the breath. Don't regulate the breath, just observe the natural breathing pattern.

I practice zazen (another form of Buddhist meditation) so I expected the vipassana technique to be relativly easy to master. Both forms of meditation are founded in the dharma, both teach enlightenment. But zazen is open-eyes meditation, and vipassana is closed-eyes. The rationale is that having open eyes can be distracting to the meditator, but I passed the visual hurdle ages ago in my practice. With my eyes closed, on the other hand, I resort to agitated monkey mind. The inside of my head is infinitely distracting. I spent the day concentrating hard to focus on the natural breath (turns out I'm a control freak when it comes to breathing - as soon as I am aware of my breath I begin regulating it.) The technique calls for one to focus on the natural breath, the breath the body breathes without conscious intent. That way we become slowly aware of the subtler sensations, and we begin to fine tune our perceptions.

On the second day the practice deepens a little. The next technique taught is to be aware of the touch of the breath, in the triangular space between your upper lip and the bridge of your nose, and the inner and outer walls of the nostrils. I spent that day patiently focusing my awareness of the feeling of the air as it passed into each nostril, and the feeling of it being exhaled again. I was particularly distracted by my posture and my aching limbs. Sitting on a pillow for many, many hours has it's toll on the body. I was shifting positions constantly but still diligently trying to maintain the focus on feeling the touch of the breath.

Third day: the practice is to be aware of any sensation at all which occurs in the triangular space between your upper lip and the bridge of your nose, and on the inner/outer walls of the nostrils. The subtler the sensation the better. Itches, tickles, throbbing, moisture, heat, cold, numbness...any sensation at all, but only in the little area around and inside the nose. This way mind is focusing on ever subtler perceptions, being fine tuned to a point of high sensitivity. We still maintain noble silence. All other sensation from the rest of the body must be ignored.

Day four, we finally get to the nitty gritty of vipassana. Up until then we had been practising anapana, which is the fore-runner for the full vipassana technique. But of course I wasn't there to learn it, having left sobbing on day three. More of that later, back to the technique. (I looked up the next step on the internet when I got home, and then carried on the meditation sessions in my study.) After three days of intense, continual focus on ever subtler sensation, living and eating in silence, my senses are heightnened, despite the emotional trip home from the meditation center. The technique is now to be aware of the body, starting from one tip and traveling to the other, and then back again. The same high awareness that has been generated in the nasal area now travels slowly through the body, and while practising this I felt the sensations of the internal organs - very strange. The awareness seemed to travel in a ball, about the size of the area of the initial triangle of awareness. I think its called body scanning.

So that's the practical aspect of the meditation, all fine and dandy. What wasn't so dandy at all was the emotional aspect. During my zen practise I often find that emotional issues rise to the surface of my consciousness. As the mind quietens, so the inner thoughts and feelings become easier to percieve. But I have never sat for that long before, and I was completely unprepared for the emotional breakthroughs. Due to my marijuana use, psychedelic explorations, and daily zazen practice, I am already particularly sensitive. So sitting in such a pristine and encouraging environment, for such long periods of time, was a highly potent recipe for major emotional upheaval.

By the end of the first day I had realized that I'd never really processed my parents divorce. The little six year old who watched her family disintegrate is suddenly right there. I cry quietly on the way to the the dormitory, disturbing the other meditators is taboo at a meditation retreat. I carry on the meditation practice and I gain emotional equilibrium again, the going becomes easier for a while.

The second day I spent physically uncomfortable, and also a little bored with all the nose focus. My mind raced through plans and aspirations, and I stated clearly to myself all the things I want to achieve, imagining them vividly over the hours I sat. I still followed my breath, trying to focus on the touch of the air, but as my mind wondered I let it, not feeling too guilty if 5 or ten minutes slipped by in happy constructive planning.

On the third day, as I lay in my cabin, flat on my back and breathing deeply, the pain I still carry from my abortion hit me like a mental sledgehammer. This is an issue that I know I haven't processed properly, so it shouldn't have come as a surprise. I think it was the intensity of the emotion which threw me completely off balance.

I had spent 3 days in almost solitude, without any recourse to my usual processing tools (talking, writing, making art, making music). I desperately wanted to be home, with people who loved me, I didn't want to experience all these emotions alone. On the afternoon of the third day I requested a private interview with the teacher, and in tears I told him that I wanted to leave. He was adamant that I 'weather out the emotional storm' at the retreat centre. He advised me that if I could just keep bringing my awareness back to the breath, I would pass through this bout of emotional discomfort and so transcend it. Well, he was right, I did pass through the storm, but I sure as hell didn't do it there. I know how much I am willing and able to process at a time, and I have no masochistic desire to push myself past breaking point. I think the teacher considered me weak minded, unable to push through to the other side. This doesn't bother me as much as it would have in the past. I'm no longer all that swayed by other people's opinion of me. I know my own mind and I knew that the time had come for me to stop the meditation practice, and go home.

I left despite much protestation, and the relief was astronomical. Don't get me wrong, the technique is amazing. It works. "If you patiently and diligently practice you are bound to succeed" - that's one of the phrases quoted often by the teacher, and it's true. But quite honestly, I'm not ready for too many fireworks at once, and i'd rather push further in a safe and loving space, at my own pace.

I'm still practicing, in fact my practice has tripled since I've been back (it's only be a day, but hey, maybe it will last :) I'm alternating between zazen and what I have learnt of vipassana.

I've also uncovered a hotbed of controversy surrounding the SN Goenka Vipassana Course, which is the one I attended. Mr. SN Goenka is a world leading vipassana teacher, and he runs meditation retreats all over the world to teach the technique. All very well, but it seems a lot of people have a problem with his particular approach. if you're interested in reading more see this article. Very interesting observations about the apparent dangers of the retreat as structured by Goenka. Also in all his years of teaching, he has never fully initiated a student, and hence he is the only qualified teacher of his particular approach. All the retreats all over the world are taught using video footage and audio tapes of his teachings, and facilitated by his assistants, who are not quailfied to discuss the darmha. This proves to be a big problem, often an assistant teacher is out of his depth.

Anyway, all said and done I am pleased I went. I like what I learnt of this new technique, and I loved the taste of the fruits of hard practice.

Slowly does it, gently, carefully, with much awareness.

Bhavatu sabba mangalam (may all beings everywhere be happy and at peace)

Vipassana

2006-05-12T10:51:00.000+02:00

Well i'm back in the land of the blogging, for better or for worse :)

Leaving today for a 10 day Vipassana retreat. Vipassana is a form of meditation that comes from Theraveda Buddhism, it's all about mindfullness and self awareness. I've been practising zazen for almost 2 years now, so it'll be great to learn a new sitting style. I think the two are closely related.

I need this retreat. For ages now I've known that I have to make some changes to my lifestyle. My eating habits suck, I am so unconscious about what i put into my body (or rather, i'm really consious of how awful it is yet I continue with absolute disregard)

Also, I could really do with a week of hectic discipline when it comes to my meditation practise. I usually sit zazen with Ant for 20 minutes in the mornings after I've dropped the kids off at school. And then for the rest of the day I use chemicals to maintain a semblance of normality (caffeine, TCH, sugar). It's a silly way to live considering that I know better.

So this retreat is going to help reset all my patterns.
Yum.

2006-02-03T18:50:00.000+02:00

I started blogging for two reasons. The first was as a means of meeting and connecting with like-minded people, and the second was as an outlet for all the thoughts and feelings that I wouldn't necessarily share with the people around me.

I've only been at it for a few months now, but I've come to some conclusions. It is not an easy form of communication. Perhaps even harder than face to face interaction. It is very difficult to 'read' people through the sentance or two that they cast my way. Usually I am reading facial clues and body posture, as well as tone of voice. In the blogsphere things are stark. I'm not sure if I like that.

I think I made a mistake by not forming a virtual identity for myself. I thought it was pretentious to make up a new name and and identity. Now I can see the measure of protection it can afford. I am exquisitely sensitive most of the time. That's why I avoid people. I prefer my own company, and into that I allow a very few others who I've learnt to trust.

I thought the virtual remove would make interaction safer, in terms of being a buffer between me and everyone else. Doesn't seem like it though.

So, I'm not going to blog anymore, and if I do it will be within a very different context. I'm toying with the idea of deleting this blog altogether, but it seems that I'm pretty attached to all the 'work' I've done and I can't quite hit the 'undo' button just yet. Some attachments are convenient, others are burdens. This is feeling rather burdensom...

Lyrics

2006-01-25T10:53:00.000+02:00

These are the lyrics for a song I wrote a year or two ago, when I moved back to the city. I think they describe the state of the world quite accurately.

Terrible things
are going to happen to you
if you try think for yourself.
Don't you know dragons wait to
ravage your mind
and leave you naked and blind
in an uncertain world?

And while the scientists say they can organise
the world we see,
the religious folks grapple with the fear of things
they think they have to believe.

And if you just want to know,
without a doubt in your mind,
what on earth we're all doing here?
In this particular place, and this particular time
what is this mind
that we were born to recieve?
-almost supernaturally.
And who are we to believe
in our connection to divinity?

The sons and daughters of Man
Natures' wonderchild stands up tall.

I can't believe that Google has agreed to censor results in China. The Chinese government now has the ideal propaganda platform. Take a look at DeMonet's post for a very revealing comparison.

art again : )

2006-01-25T10:17:00.000+02:00

These are two pieces that I'm working on at the moment. The first one is shot in black and white because I'm not happy with the colours I've used, I've still got a fair bit of work left, but I think I know where it's going.

The one below is nothing like what I've done before. I took apart an ancient Apple Mac, and this is the first of the pictures to emerge :) It's also not finished, I'm hoping to make it a little more complex, so that the circuit board will merge more gracefully with its surroundings.

This piece has been a challenge for me. I'm so used to working with analogies in my art, so that each picture is a story. This time the idea is to not include any intellectual imagagery, to use only line and space to create the story. As you can see I did end up including a few conceptual images, but essentially the picture won't embody a concept as much as a biological process.

I'm really going to enjoy playing with the other bits. The inside of a Mac is like a work of art itself. Everything slots together so elegantly, nothing like the inside of a PC.

satori

2006-01-24T08:18:00.000+02:00

I'm 27 years old, so it's not surprising that I'm still confused about a number of things. Con-fused, a lot of different notions of mine are con-fused.

Self-worth is really difficult for me to evaluate. I always have the 'should' imperative in the back of my mind. I 'should' be doing more with my time, I should clean the house better, I 'should' make more money, I 'should' be thinner, I 'should' be nicer. I find it so difficult to reach that space in my head where I am free of this imperative.

I think that's why I smoke grass, because it helps me to let go all the obligations that I feel towards the rest of the world, and even towards myself. But then I am largely ineffective.

I feel stuck at the moment. I want to go forward, but I also want to stand still. I want to grow in my spiritual practice, but I also want the instant highs of playing with maya. I love to sit zazen, but to get my ass on a cushion is almost impossible. It's like I am working against my self. This is what's so confusing. How can I want one thing, and do something else? Who is this that wants and doesn't want and con-fuses?

I need to sit. I need to sit and sit and sit until I am completely quite, and then the bubble pops and there is no 'I'. Then 'I' am everything, EVERYTHING.

Until I think a thought, the one where I comment to myself how cool it is to be feeling something so incredible. Then the mind is back in action and I'm holding a conversation with myself and I am me again.

The first time I experienced 'satori' or 'awakening' I just cried and cried and cried. I was in a small zendo, and there were only a handful of us sitting.

Since then it' s almost like I'm avoiding sitting.

What am I afraid of?
I think I'm afraid of never experiencing satori again, and having to accept that it was all just a bad joke.

That's how I feel about Christianity. I am still so sore about the way Christianity turned out to not have the answers for me. I put so much of myself into loving God and being good. I think I'm afraid to move forward with my zazen practice, cos I'm afraid of feeling spiritually established again. But on the other hand, beginners' mind is good. The 'I don't know what i thought I knew' mind is open to growth and expansion.

I don't know!

2006-01-18T12:53:00.000+02:00

Such a beautiful photo... Taken from a site called Martha's Girls.com
(Sounds a bit like an old time 'madam'!) It's really closer to art than porn, in my opinion.

We have such sexual hang-ups in this culture. Christianity has a lot to answer for..
I'm all for celebrating the beauty of the human form, and even celebrating the passion of the sexual imperative.

Life is too short to pretend.

Observe

2006-01-14T15:58:00.000+02:00

This painting is called 'Observe'. It's one of my favourites.

Bodhisattva

2006-01-12T18:33:00.000+02:00

When I first discovered Buddhism, I was still carrying a whole lot of baggage from my days as a Christian. Part of me believed that to be a good person, I had to save the world. (Follow in Jesus's footsteps...) This impulse validated me. I felt that taking on the responsability for the entire world's sufferings gave me a good excuse to be on this planet. It bolstered my rather eroded self-esteem.

I came across the 'Bodhisattva' concept. In my mind this was the Buddhist equivelant of Christ. A bohdisattva is someone who has attained enlightenment but chooses not to leave the cycle of life and death, rather to stay in this world for the sake of liberating others. I wrote a song expressing this ideal.

After my first (and so far only) satori experience, I began to revise these expectations of myself. In truth I cannot save a single soul, not even my own. This need to save myself and others is just another form of grasping, and a therefore a cause of suffering. I'm not saying that the dharma doesn't liberate, or that people in service to the dharma aren't doing the right thing. What I'm saying is that my attachment to the concept of being a Bohdisattva was just one more thing that I had to let go of in my continued growth into enlightenment.

I still enjoy the song though, it was recorded with a whole lot of feeling...

Bodhisattva

I would bleed for you
I’d live and breathe for you
And I would live a million lives on earth because you are here
And I would hold on to death and rebirth here beside you

I would bleed for you
I’d beg and plead for you
And I would look upon closed eyes and know that we all can see
And I would speak to deafened ears ‘cos somewhere you’re listening

I would bleed for you
I’m on my knees for you
And I would defy the known ways of humanity for you
And I would deny nothing, even when I’m found guilty

And I would…

2006-01-09T16:05:00.000+02:00

Couldn't resist posting this one!

heart sutra

2006-01-09T11:58:00.000+02:00

When I was 15 I started to perceive the energy fields of living things, and even the presence of the energy within rocks and water and the other elements. Up until that point I had been a deeply religious Christian. The concept of God was very precious to me. My new perceptions raised very scary questions. Was I possessed? Was I sensing something evil or good? At that stage the New Age had not yet taken hold in my neck of the woods, so I had nothing to compare my experiences to.

I spoke to the youth pastor at my church, and I was told to forget the whole thing, and not tell anyone else in our fellowship. As you can imagine, this didn't help at all, and after much soul searching I decided to leave the church and do some exploring. What followed was a few years of consciousness expansion with the aid of plants, but oft times these left me with more questions than answers.

Then I met a man who practised Zen Buddhism, and he challenged me like nothing I had ever encountered before. Every one of my assumptions about reality popped like bubbles. We spent a year together on a little farm far away from everything. During that time I came to understand the idea that reality is Maya, an illusion. For those of you who haven't encountered this concept before, it is hard to swallow. At first I used every logical arguement at my disposal to try and keep my view of a intrinsic reality intact.

Eventually I realised that even science upholds the idea that reality is really just made of energy, and our perceptions of it. I began to sit zazen, and for the first time since I left the church i began to experience the kind of relief that the concept of God used to provide. Only this time I wasn't looking to some outside entity to carry me, i was instead letting my self go.

One of the principal tennets of the Buddhist practice is the Heart Sutra. I have put it to music because it is beautiful.The heart sutra. (right-click here and 'save as' to download) Prajna Paramita Hrydaya Sutra Here is a link to the words

my music

2006-01-08T16:31:00.001+02:00

This is one of my demo recordings...It's called 'Let it rain'.
I finally worked out how to host mp3's on my blog, so after much sweat and tears I present you with a very rough and highly unproffesional glimpse at my musical aspirations. It was recorded last year in my bedroom, while I was familiarising myself with some music software (cubase). It's not the most uplifting piece ever, in fact it may be construed as downright depressing, but to me it was therapy.

Lyrics:

Take these pieces of my broken heart,
promise me that I'll be whole again.
I think my daddy doesn't love me enough,
and I've played virgin for too many men.

Let it rain, let it pour, let your glory down on me
Tell me when it's safe to open my eyes.
Let it rain, let it pour, let your glory down on me
I want to wash away this whole disguise.

2006-01-07T14:06:00.000+02:00

This was made using a photoshopped image from one of my paintings, and a photo of my hands. I haven't made much digital art, and i like the mix of mediums.

She approaches... shadowed by a larger self. The entrance, hands locked. Her humility is a complex key. She stands still, head bowed. The time has come.

2006-01-05T12:38:00.000+02:00

I borrowed this image from someone elses blog, hope she doesn't mind. I think it's great! Sometimes we gotta just pull a determined zap at the things that bother us. It's a way to remember not to take life's stresses too seriously. Of course one has to be feeling pretty secure in order to be so flamboyant, but every now and then? What the hell...

I've started another painting, this one I'm going to try sell. Time to start making some money out of my talents, forging a career for myself :) Up until now life has been about survival, doing any paying job that provides for the kids and allows for a little stability. Now, finally, I have the chance to explore the things that i enjoy, and try my hand at turning them into some cash. I've always thought that I don't deserve to get money for making art, but these days I'm beginning to reverse my assumptions. Why should I not make a living from something that I like doing? There are no rules saying that you gotta hate your job. And if I spend 6 weeks on a painting, then it is within my rights to charge someone a months' salary for that painting. These are novel concepts for me...

This year is going to be fun.

2006-01-03T13:12:00.000+02:00

A couple of years back I was in a very abusive relationship. I don't usually speak about it. It's been four years now and I'm only beginning to feel ready to share my experience. I don't feel so ashamed anymore. In fact, I've just finished reading through my 2004 personal diary, and I am amazed how far I've come in terms of self healing. I'm closer to happy now than I have ever been. There are moments when I feel a sublime and beautiful kind of peace.

One of my entries back then took the form of a poem, a litany, it was an attempt to get all my left over self-incrimination into the light. I want it here in my blog, because there's a one in a million chance that someone stuck in a harmful relationship will stumble upon this entry, and maybe it help.

Why didn't I?
Why did I not walk away the first time he intentionally hurt me?
Why did I excuse him?
Why did I feel guilt?
Why didn't I tell people?
Why did I cover for him?
Why did I hate myself?
Why didn't I leave when the babe was in my stomach?
Why didn't I leave when he broke me down?
Why didn't I scream louder?
Why did I accept the pain?
Why did I not run and run and fucking run?
Why did I forgive him over and over?
Why did I think so little of myself?
Why did I let him own me?
Why did he hurt me?
Why did he hate me?
Why didn't I leave before I gave him everything?

Somehow, writing all that down in my diary helped me to get some perspective, and to begin to forgive myself for what I allowed to happen. It was sad and rather ugly, but I have two beautiful children to show for it, and a personal reservoir of strength that will see me through anything.

2006-01-01T15:32:00.000+02:00

We made it! happy new year to all and blessings all round. The pic with the view is from our new balcony, and obviously the one with all the boxes is the old house. Ant packing up his study...We spent the last two days unpacking and arranging. It's so beautiful here :) Last night we opened a bottle of bubbly, and bought out the guitar and the didgeridoo...we didn't make it up till twelve, but waking this morning in our new place and welcoming in the new year was all that we needed to complete our celebrations. I hope this year allows for the goodness that is in all of us to shine and make the world happier. Love and light...

5 weird habits...

2005-12-21T21:17:00.000+02:00

I got tagged by a blog buddy...I gotta list 5 of my weirdest habits :) Here goes...

1. I don't use deoderants or perfumes...ok I know that sounds gross but believe it or
not the body has a pretty good scent if it's just left alone and washed well ;)
and of course the pheramones have a chance to flourish once the artficial scents
are gone...

2. I can't drink more than one glass of wine without getting sloshed (heehee)

3. I meditate with my eyes open

4. I don't watch TV. Ever. (the advertising seriously bugs me)

5. I collect rocks and sticks and any other bits of nature that catch my eye. Then I
take them home and put them into bowls and in corners...kinda makes me feel more
comfortable.

I'm supposed to tag 5 other people, but I'm kinda isolated here, and I don't think there are five other people who read this blog!

Steve, if you're reading this, consider yourself tagged buddy :)

2005-12-19T10:12:00.000+02:00

We've been busy :) The cute dolls are the presents the kids made for their gran and her partner. And the other ones are of a little statuette that I made of Antoine. The head broke off! And then the people at the clay studio tried to stick it back on but they left a huge crack. Oh well, it was a first try. I want to make bigger ones next, but that will have to wait for after Christmas and the move.

I'm trying to prepare myself for seeing my father next week. It's been seven years! He lives in New Zealand, and we email eachother every now and then, but it's hardly an intimate relationship. He will be staying with us for a week. I suppose it's a good way to get to know someone :) I feel like I'm getting a chance to put a piece of myself in place. Parents are a way of seeing yourself, a reflection of a kind. A way to understand yourself better. And I've missed out on seeing myself reflected in my father. So now I have the chance. I know I look like him, and i'm pretty sure my quest for knowledge comes from him. It will be great to have that kind of affirmation.

2005-12-08T13:14:00.000+02:00

'nother pic of the bambinos. They're home with me now that school is over for the year.

Buzy with Christmans shopping. I've decided to try my hand at clay sculpture, so all the nearest and dearest are getting hand-made clay thingimajigs. I sent them off to the potter this morning for firing and a coat of glaze. Amazing what a good coat of glaze can do :)

We are also gearing up to move house...leaving our current home on the 30 Dec. Eek. Got an absolutely lovely little house by the sea. New years eve will see me unpacking boxes, but what a wonderful place to start 2006!

I will post pics of the new place closer to the time...

Happy Holidays

2005-12-04T10:41:00.000+02:00

This is a photo that I took at a school presentantion, while I was working at Observatory Primary. The child was dressed in his cultural regalia, a little boy from the townships of South Africa dressed like a long distant ancestor. The kids are strange, half westernised and half deeply ingrained native beliefs. His people are the Xhosa of Southern Africa, once great enemies of the Zulu nation who roamed Africa before the Europeans arrived.

For generations now his people have lived in shanty towns on the borders of the cities. The school that he is attending is made up mainly of Xhosa speaking children, watched over by slightly panicked white school marms...We don't know how to command their attention in most classes. We don't understand what they remark to each other as we reprimand them.

Their culture regards a raised voice as a sign of respect. They clamour to out-shout each other as if they were still communicating in the open savannahs. We tell them to sit down, be quite. Look at me when I'm talking to you! How was I to know that looking someone in the eye in their culture is the same thing as challenging someone to combat?

All my life they existed only on the periphery, until I spent time being a teacher to them. Learning that our inability to communicate stemmed from something far deeper than the colour of out skin. It stemmed from different worlds. Theirs, a strange and uncomfortable blend of Western consumer culture and traditional African heritage. Mine a struggling and frustrated rejection of Western consumer culture, and a longing for a deeper heritage of my own.

I won't go back to teaching again. Not within the education system as it now stands. This country has a very long way to go in terms of serving the needs of the public. But the time that i spent there was invaluable.

2005-11-27T21:37:00.000+02:00

This is a picture I drew during a particularly idealistic phase. I like the feeling of innocence it portrays. She is one of my many personas. The girl-child. Then there are the more hardcore ones, the destructive Kali personalites...

The way I see it, we are all composed of different personas, which we use like tools. Every time I react I am following a particular script which is familiar to a particular persona. As long as I am aware of this I can choose how I react, thus changing the reaction into an action, which is then free of any conceptual persona or personality attachments.

This action is as close to the real me as I can get. And the personas serve a purpose. I think it was St Paul who said "I am all things to all people"; meaning that when he was with the Greeks, he was a Greek, When he has with the Romans, he was a Roman. That way whoever he was keeping company with could feel relaxed and able to relate. So my personas allow me to work with other people in a manner which they find comfortable. This however is not the most relaxing thing for me, because using a tool requires effort, and that is why I generally avoid people.

2005-11-23T20:05:00.000+02:00

I think this is a really apt comment. It probably isn't my place to bitch about the Bush administration, seeing as I'm not a US citizen, but this sort of mentality was rife in South Africa during the apartheid years so I know how damaging it is.

I really wouldn't want to be Bush right now. He's looking very uncomfortable these days, and who can blame him? It must be incredibly difficult being the president of the current world superpower. In the eyes of the world he can't do anything right...

What's even more worrying is America's move towards religious conservatism. Here in the 3rd world we usually follow the US trends like geeky younger siblings following a way cool big brother. Hopefully in this case we will retain our senses...

2005-11-22T08:52:00.000+02:00

I finished my painting! This is a snapshot I took of it last night, I haven't trimmed it or anything, so I hope you can make it out. I was stuck for a while, that always happens to me. I start painting with some much confidence, then the closer I get to finishing it the more finicky I get, the more anal I get...until I remember that I'm supposed to let it all hang out if I want to make real art, so then I finish with a flash of spontaneous inspiration. Gotta love the process...

some people

2005-11-18T08:08:00.000+02:00

Especially in the business world, some people just lose all their integrity. My significant other runs an IT business, and they have been contracting for an American start-up, doing software development. Anyway, these US guys have been having difficulty securing their next round of funding, so they cut us off.No warning, no notice, no more development team...We had to fire all the coders who had put so much time and effort into the product. Horrible. That's life I guess. the worst part though is that now the US team contacts Ant and tells him they kinda still need his skills, and would he mind working for them on a more ad hoc basis. So what they are doing is asking him to carry on with the initial contract, and screw all the guys who have just lost their jobs due to illegal negation of said contract. I mean really! I guess that's business for you...

2005-11-14T18:59:00.000+02:00

The underlying flavour of the day is something that seems to change at whim, no choice of mine. I walk the same path, pass the same things on the way, but depending on the flavour, everything is different. The flowers I passed yesterday made me smile, today they make me frown. How can I know what flavour I will wake up to? Some days are so pleasing, full, rich, satifying. And then... well then the next day comes and the glamour is gone, like a cheap magic trick, yesterday's jewels so many plastic baubles winking in the sun.

And somewhere beyond all these ups and downs I glimpse the Idyll, the purely objective reality which I flavour with my emotions. I wrote a song once which went like this

What is this?
Desire so hard, unsatisfied,
heart wrenching bliss,
all the highs of the holy coaster ride

I play with pain in a million ways
to satisfy my need for the feelings
feeling good becomes a matter of love and hate
while all the give and take of emotion
is making me dizzy

- Once this whole file-sharing thing becomes easier to navigate, I'll put my music up here on my blog. Doesn't sound the same without the tune...

Needless to say, my quest for the Real real continues.

life...

2005-11-11T19:31:00.000+02:00

Life, the Universe and Everything... (all Douglas Adams fans - smile!) round and round and round we go. Today is a day for quoting poetry, normal talk will just not do.

"Up so floating many bells down"
(e.e.cummings - delight in the liberation of words.)

A storm thundered today and the rain fell heavy. Beautiful.

(My painting is going through a really intense stage, i won't be posting updates until I am more rooted in the new direction it has taken.)

as freedom is a breakfastfood
or truth can live with right or wrong
or molehills are from mountains made
- long enough and just so long
will being pay the rent of seem
and genius please the talentgang
and water most encourage flame

e.e.cummings

hunger

2005-11-08T18:39:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I am absolutely derailed by a huge and awesome hunger, a deep deep down craving. For what? Well, everything. It's as if to balance out the Everything there's also this No-thing inside me which is a black hole. I used drugs to try and fill it, I ran after men and sex to fill it, cried to daddy, cried to God.

But nothing sates it for long. Not for long. Because it's an existential hunger. It is the balance of the feast of life, the yin for life's yang. And somewhere between fullness and starvation we live our lives.

So I decided to climb off the wheel of life and death, and get some perspective on the whole darn thing. Zazen rocks.

2005-11-04T17:26:00.000+02:00

I have the most hectic dreamtimes. It takes me so long to make the transition to waking. It's like my head stays in dreamtime way longer than it should. And then I carry the dream feelings with me into the daylight and it can be pretty disorientating. Sometimes the dreams are beautiful ways of helping me to understand my constraints, and sometimes they are just a jumble of unresolved emotion. Those one are the difficult ones.

I haven't lucid dreamed for ages now. I wonder why. I can't figure out what triggers my lucid dreaming. I know that there are many practises which gives one more control, but I have always just ended up there spontaneously. (for those of you who are unsure what a 'lucid dream' is, it's a state of consciousness where you 'wake up' in the middle of a dream, and realise that you are dreaming, and can therefore manifest whatever you want) Can be fun.

I'm attempting a whole handful of projects at the moment. It's great being able to switch depending on where the inspiration lies. I'm kinda off my painting at the moment, nearly ready to carry on but not quite...Today I started painting a piece of fabric that will eventually be a throw for my bed (i hope) and then there's the music.

I got a keyboard for my birthday. It's so humbling to start with a new instrument. I've been playing guitar for years, and composing has been relatively easy for me. But composing on the keyboard leaves me back at square one! Everything I play sounds so infantile! That's where practice comes in I guess. Life is so grand, there is always something new to learn. I belive that's what keeps people young, the process of learning. People who are aquiring new skills or knowledge out of an honest desire to learn are infused with a vitality that brings a sparkle to their eyes. May I never forget how to learn.

2005-10-31T17:16:00.000+02:00

I've started a new painting (I know I've mentioned this already) but the difference with this one is that I'm going to be posting my progress on my art site. That way anyone who's interested in the art process can watch a new piece take shape. I think it'll be fun.

In other news, my dad has emailed me recently to ask if he can stay with us when he comes to SA over Christmas. We haven't seen him since Micaela was a babe in diapers (he's never even met Alex) so it will be great. I'm a bit nervous, don't know him very well, but what better way to get re-aquainted than to chat over breakfast, with bleary eyes and tussled hair? Getting down to basics :)

this whole blog thing

2005-10-29T14:14:00.000+02:00

Is really strange, don't you think? I mean, here we are, all over the world, sharing our personal diaries with anyone who's interested. It's a whole new social order. On the net there's no need for dishonesty, for game playing. We can just be completely ourselves, and it's safe.

Not like that in the 'real' world! Out there you have to worry about all the possible faux pas, subliminal signals, body language, eye contact and what not to say. I've often had people look at me real funny and then change the subject so as not to have to comment on what i've just said. People can only handle a certain amount of honesty at a time. Well, most people anyway.

But on the net, if you don't like what someone is saying, you just don't visit their blog again! Simple. And if you do like what they are saying, you have the chance to make a friend.

One day we will be able to create virtual personalities that will interact with eachother through the web, like an extension of ourselves which we can create according to our whims.

As long as we remember that the real world is the place were all the action happens. Then the net can be like a dream, a dream that we can control and play with any way we like.

back again...

2005-10-27T17:28:00.000+02:00

Funny how a few days can seem like a lifetime! Maybe 'cos so much happens, my life is constantly changing, growing. It's so cool. I've started getting into the whole html thing (thats coder talk for 'web page design') I feel like I have the world at my fingertips :)

So much potential for dialogue and fusion with the web. Its awesome.

I met with my mom for a quick cuppa this morning, after dropping the kids off at school. She's doing so well, looking radiant. Next year she wants to set up her own healing practice. She's been studying alternative healing methods for a while now, and she's almost ready to take the plunge! I'm so excited for her.

I'm planning a new painting. There's a blank canvas on my easle and a whole lot of ideas in my head. This one is gonna be different form anything I've done before. I'm using a photo as a base to work from, I've only ever painted from imagination so this is going to be a challenge. Yay. I love challenges.

alexfaerie

2005-10-25T17:48:00.000+02:00

alexfaerie
Originally uploaded by Gaelin.

faeries

2005-10-25T17:38:00.000+02:00

micaelafaerie
Originally uploaded by Gaelin.

I was playing on photoshop a while ago. It's amazing what modern tech can do! Alex and Micaela loved the transformation :)

gone

2005-10-24T21:06:00.000+02:00

So she is gone and the only way i can deal with that is by sitting very still and breathing and remembering that this is all maya this is all passing this is all illusion. It has been three years now and she is still gone her absence has not changed has not grown it is a constant it will always be a constant the only constant. So i breathe and I count and when i get to the space where even the counting stops then i know and i am relieved for a while until my thoughts start again my attachments come back online my needs and desires take hold. I want to sit and sit and sit like Siddartha but i don't have a tree and i have so many excuses and maybe I even like my attachments.

The Four Noble Truths:

life is suffering

the cause of suffering is known

suffering can be bought to an end

following the eightfold path is a practice that ends suffering

Sunday afternoon...

2005-10-23T18:53:00.000+02:00

Just made the most delicious vegetable lasagne ever. The kids didn't like it (what's new?). Cooking for fussy kids is no fun.

I've just figured out the whole 'html' thing, so I have finaly put my art on the net! It's a rather simple site, as sites go, but my paintings are there in all their glory, and that's what counts ;)

In other news my ex has reared his nasty (albeit pretty) head again, and is making noises about 'claiming' his kids. I mean, honestly, where does he get off? I'm not too worried, just a little trepidatious about an ugly scene in the near future. Don't want the kids to get hurt. And when my ex is in the picture, people get hurt all over the place.

But I am strong, and I am not afraid. Nobody's gonna be bullying this girl anytime soon.

My tat...

2005-10-21T19:50:00.000+02:00

tattoo2jpg
Originally uploaded by Gaelin.

It's healing and I love it

new me :)

2005-10-21T19:19:00.000+02:00

Thought I should update my profile picture...
Back to getting uncertain looks from strangers...familiar territory once again (LoL)

family...

2005-10-20T17:56:00.000+02:00

Thought i should post some pictures of my bambinos. Little shining stars. Doting moms of the world unite! (and for those of you who hate the idea of progeny...just you wait :)

Btw, that's me with the close cropped hairdo... decided i needed a change of identity. Liberation!

friends...

2005-10-19T17:07:00.000+02:00

Doing a lot of thinking over my birthday, birthdays are very contemplative for me...I had a few people over last night to celebrate and I was thinking how I'd rather they not be there at all. I've often been called anti-social, I guess when it comes to people I just don't quite see what all the fuss is about.

I was chatting to Ant about all this and his theory is that unless you have common ground with someone, it's almost impossible to trust them, hence there will be no space for an emotional connection. And obviously without an emotional connection there can be no real friendship. The sad thing is that when it come's down to it, Ant is probably my only real friend. Everyone else is like a hanger on...they just don't interest me. How on earth do I find people who interest me?

It's my birthday!

2005-10-18T15:58:00.000+02:00

Yay! And to celebrate I got my first tattoo. I'll download a picture of it once it's healed. I had it done by a woman (stylin) whose name is Morag (for those of you who don't know me that's my mother's name.) Thought that was a really nice touch :) portentious kinda.

Also got a huge tub of Woolworths Liquirice Allsorts (better than any other allsorts, ever) from Antoine and a truly beautiful bunch of roses from his mother. Tonight I'm having cheesecake to celebrate and gathering a few of my nearest and dearest together...Ahhh, this is the life...

(damn that tattoo was sore!)

heavy sky

2005-10-17T16:26:00.000+02:00

Today is really hot, the sky feels like it's sitting on my back. There must be a high pressure zone over the city or something. This kind of day always makes me feel uncomfortable. When I went to pick the kids up from school, Micaela (who's 7) had a huge frown on her face and said "Mommy, I think I'm being haunted, everything feels so scary!"

I explained to her that just as there are people can see very well and people who can hear or read or draw very well, there are also people who can 'feel' very well. She was a little less apprehensive after I explained how the weather can affect the feelings of some people. Now we just need a thunder storm! Oh! I love the release of the lightening. Like a huge power conduit in the sky!

Tomorrow I'll be 27. Maybe I'll get a thunder storm for my birthday :)

Married to a software developer

2005-10-13T07:13:00.000+02:00

Are all software developers obsessed with their work? I made the mistake of assuming that because my boyfriend's offices were attached to our home that I would see more of him. Ha,ha. Having the office so close to home means that at 11:30 pm after a lovely dinner and two glasses of wine he can 'pop' up to the office before coming to bed. 15 minutes to a software developer is closer to an hour for the rest of us. Something about sitting down in front of a computer changes the experiential nature of time. I have that too, when I sit down to surf or write or whatever. How the hell are families s'posed to survive with more than one computer in the house to swallow all their time?

crash..

2005-10-12T12:40:00.000+02:00

I was in an accident today! Just as I was getting confident in my driving skills! I guess that goes to show that you can't relax too much behind the wheel. I've only beem driving on my own for the last week now. Pretty silly to be as old as I am and still be a learner driver but it just worked out that way and before I knew it I'm almost 30 and without a drivers licence.

I wonder how much I'm gonna have to pay for the other car to get fixed. My car is fine, it's a 1990 Ford which is built like a box and seems to be able to withstand anything. The other car is not so fortunate however. Brand new 4x4. Need I say more? And I don't have insurance! Damn! I wish i could roll back time and make it unhappen.

Click

2005-10-11T21:38:00.000+02:00

Ah, ok I got it now.

2005-10-11T21:30:00.000+02:00

Where is my post? I can't see it...

So now

2005-10-11T20:57:00.000+02:00

So now I've got a blog! Took a while to win me over to the idea, but the I guess the shy little extrovert waited patiently for long enough : ) Living in South Africa you could almost forgive me for being behind the times (almost)

My kids are in bed (yes, two of them) my 27th birthday is just around the corner, my ex is threatening to take me to court over seeing the bambinos in the summer holidays (haven't seen him in two years and now he wants custody?!) and I am seriously considering signing up for a degree programme next year. Better late than never : )

That about sums it up... Oh, and the marriage which was s'posed to happen last month but didn't (rainchecked) and the wonderful man who has agreed to this lifelong deadly serious commitment. Ahhh. Next year January. Definately.